i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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