my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
