Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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