You're a womanizer and a bitch.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
