the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
