just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It was like giving head to a cactus.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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