There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
