you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
