Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
