i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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