I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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