Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
