so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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