pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
