I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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