Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
