I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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