Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
