Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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