it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
