and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
