I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
