ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
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