I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
