I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dear god my vagina.
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