Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
how do flat chested girls get laid?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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