is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
