I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
