My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
