Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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