Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
