all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
