I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Who died my cat blue again?
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