what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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