I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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