if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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