I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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