I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
