I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
