Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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