I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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