my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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