I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
