The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
