there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
