i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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