My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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