theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
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