I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
