I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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