Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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