He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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