I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
