What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
