She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have tasted many bathrooms
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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