Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How naked do you want me to be?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
