she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
