Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
