Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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