24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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