Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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