we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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