Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i think i have two assholes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
