called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
