Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sober January is a disaster.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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