he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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