3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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