I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Be still, my beating vagina.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
