Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
