you didnt know i had herpes?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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