First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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