Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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