just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
