The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
