she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
try to milk me bitch
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