I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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