i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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