At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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